The Book
by Sarahaku
Summary: Tavros is dying. Gamzee isn't ready to accept this. He's doing everything he can to help Tavros, but there's not much you can do for someone that's gotten slammed by a eighteen-wheeler in a freak wheelchair accident. Gamzee finds a book Tavros has been keeping. It's a notebook- containing the story of the two since they met, told by Tavros. I don't own Homestuck!
1. Finding The Book

**Chapter One: Finding The Book**

It was extremely quiet. It was growing uncomfortable. But Gamzee had run out of things to say. He stared blankly at his hands, which he was tying in knots, cracking his knuckles over and over to pass the time.

"Hey look," Tavros squeaked. "That line measures how I breath." He played with his breath, making the monitor rise and fall, and laughed quietly. Gamzee smiled weakly, and dragged his chair closer to the bed. Tavros looked away from the monitor, which was tracking his heart, breath and pulse. He turned to look at Gamzee, smiling softly. "Don't worry, alright?" His face was pale and growing gaunt. He weakly reached out a hand and hugged Gamzee's neck awkwardly. Gamzee silently straightened Tavros' short, chestnut faux-hawk out with his fingers. He kept his eyes fixed on Tavros' face. From the neck down, Tavros was broken. So broken. Gamzee let his hands and head drop. "G-Gamzee?"

"Y..yeah. I'm fine," Gamzee said, looking up and smiling weakly at Tavros. Tavros smiled, then yawned.

"I think I'm gonna take a nap. Don't leave, alright? W-well… if you have to leave then leave b-but." Gamzee interrupted Tavros' ramble with a gentle kiss.

"I won't leave you, my Tavbro," he said quietly. "You get your motherfuckin' sleep so you can get better." Tavros smiled. His brown eyes glimmered. Gamzee couldn't understand how the boy could manage to be so happy. He stood up and pulled the covers over Tavros. He was careful around his chest and legs, avoiding his injuries. He let his mind go numb so he wouldn't want to cry again. By the time he was done tucking the boy in, he was already asleep. His fingers loosely gripped a stuffed bull toy from his childhood. A pair of fairy wings was lazily sewn onto it. Tavros' Tinkerbull kept him company when Gamzee or his parents couldn't be in the hospital with him. And if anyone wanted to give the sixteen year old boy a hard time about it, Gamzee would make sure they got a fistful for it. Of course, nobody was going to give Tavros a hard time right now. Even those that would give the boy a hard time for being in a wheelchair in the past wouldn't bother him now. It took a real asshole to want to pick on a boy with a shattered pelvis, broken ribs and internal bleeding. Gamzee began to cry again. "Damnit, Tav," he whispered, stroking the sleeping boys cheek before slumping back down. Tavros stirred slightly, his grip tightening on Tinkerbull.

Gamzee frowned, listening to the heart monitor beep rhythmically. Tavros' breath fell and rose evenly according to the machine. According to the machine, he was doing great. Fuck the machine, Gamzee wished it knew what it was talking about.

The hospital room was where Gamzee practically lived lately. At first, so had Tavros' mother, but she had had to return to work, having run out of time to take off. Gamzee had promised he'd keep up with his school work while he was out. As of now, though, it was piling up in the corner of the room. He was able to force himself to do a bit of it while he waited for Tavros' to wake up. He looked up at the sterile prison that surrounded him. A few _Get Well Soon _balloons danced in the air. A large bouquet of flowers sat on the table next to Tavros. Besides that, the room held not much more then Tavros' bed, medical supplies, and Gamzee's chair, which would recline into a makeshift bed. Even Gamzee, who got up to leave once or twice a day to get lunch or go talk to nurses was growing tired of the room. He could only imagine how Tavros, who had been there for nearly three weeks, felt. Most of the time he stared out the window, which only gave him a view of the other side of the hospital and some pigeons that stopped by.

The phone began to ring. Gamzee practically dove for it, trying to ensure that Tavros got rest. "Hello?" He whispered.

"Oh, hello, Gamzee."

"Hey, Mrs. Nitram. You doin' okay?"

"I'm fine, Gamzee. How are you?"

"Holding up," Gamzee croaked, looking over at Tavros.

As Gamzee watched him sleep he noticed a small book. He picked it up. It was a composition book. The front was labeled _GAMZEE _in tight, capital letters.

"Is Tavros doing alright?"

"Well he hasn't gotten any worse," Gamzee said, slightly distracted by the book. Mrs. Nitram sighed.

"Alright. Well I'm just getting off my lunch break. I have to go back to work. I'll probably be their tonight around six, if you want to go home."

"Well, I don't but that's wanna leave but that's cool with me. It's your turn to stay with Tav if that what you want."

"Thank you Gamzee. You're a good kid, you know?"

"Thanks, Mrs. N. You're pretty cool, too." She laughed weakly.

"Alright, Gamzee. See you tonight."

"See ya." Mrs. Nitram hung up. Gamzee hung up, then watched Tavros for a moment. He looked peaceful, like nothing could be wrong. Under the covers, under his pajamas though were layers and layers of bandages, soaking in blood that didn't seem to stop. He was scheduled for another blood transfusion at lunchtime today. Gamzee sighed shakily, then turned his attention to the book in his hands. Was it for him? He felt bad. Maybe he shouldn't be looking at it. He opened it and decided to look at the first page.

_Gamzee- _

_If you're reading this then I'm probably gone. Or I gave it to you early or something. Maybe you just found it when I was off getting some tests done. Well, that's okay I guess. You can read it if you want. I kinda think that's better than if you found it once I was dead. So anyway, however you came across this you can have it. If it's finished. If it's not, can you give it back when you're done? _

Gamzee frowned, clutching the book tighter. This was intended for him to read when Tavros died? Gamzee looked up at the boy. Did Tavros think he was going to die? Gamzee sighed. It wasn't an unrealistic thing to believe, really. But Gamzee wanted him to have hope. Maybe hope, if nothing else, could help him. Because obviously medicine and Tavros' own body weren't on their side.

_I wrote this all down because I wanted to remember our whole story. And I want you to remember it too. I hope that it's not really selfish for me to want you to remember me. _

Gamzee was already on the verge of tears. He flipped through the book. Pages and pages were filled with Tavros' writing. He flipped back to the front page and started to read from the beginning.


	2. We Met in a Storm

**Chapter Two: We Met in a Storm **

_I remember when I met you. Mom was pushing me down the street. It was snowing. Heavy snow, and the wind was howling. Mom's car was broken and we needed to go get some groceries. Everything is really, really clear to me. But that's probably because I met you. So it was the most important day of my life, you know? _

_ So, anyway, Mom was pushing me down the street. trying to wheel me over ice patches without jostling me too much. We were laughing, but also freezing. I was holding the grocery bag. I think it was just some milk and maybe some extra stuff. But that's not really all that important. We were fighting our way through the snow, and you were up ahead. There was some other kid near you. He was kicking you, and laughing. I recognized him from school. He was the kind of kid that stole your lunch money as a kid. That one idiot that makes fun of the kid in the wheelchair. But he was kicking you around. And he'd stolen your coat. And you were fine with it. You had a bloody lip. And you were smiling. You didn't say a word, but I could tell that you were doing just fine. I realized that even though that boy was trying to smash you to a pulp, you still knew you were better than him. And that was impressive. I gaped at you. Mom started yelling at the boy. I don't remember exactly what she said but she threatened to call the cops and all that. He dejectedly threw your coat over your head and ran off. _

_ And when you pulled your coat off your head, you giggled. And then you stood up. I remember noting how tall you were. And thin. You had your pale skin and that makeup you wear around your eyes and your mouth. I thought it was kind of strange. I was staring, I realized and looked down at the bag of groceries. You tousled up your messy black hair and reached out your other hand to shake my mother's hand. She carefully took it and you gave it a shake._

_ "Thanks, miss! I don't know what I was going to do if that motherfucker took my coat!" You took your coat and threw it around your shoulders. My mother was a bit put off by you, I could tell._

_ "Er, your welcome," she responded standoffishly. With that, we were off, heading towards home. "Have a good day."_

_ "You too, miss!" You called. Then you turned and looked at me. My stomach dropped. Or maybe my heart leapt. I couldn't really tell, you know? "You have a good day too, there, bro," you said. Then you winked at me. I didn't know what that meant. Well, I still don't. But I don't understand a lot of the stuff you do, you know? _};)

_"G-goodbye," I sputtered out after a minute. I don't know if you could hear me. But you waved and I waved back. _

Of course Gamzee remembered all of this. He bit his lip and wiped his eyes roughly with his shirt sleeve, glancing up at Tavros now. Still sleeping. He began to cry. That Tavros. The same one he met that day. What he wouldn't give to make it so that he was the same old Tavros. Even if he was in a wheelchair then, he wasn't broken. He wasn't like this.

_As it turns out, you were the new kid at school. Because the next day at school, you came into my History class with a chill smirk and a sloping posture. I recognized you, and sat up a little. You turned to me, and a big grin spread across your face._

_ "Hey! You're that Wheelchair Boy from yesterday!" You sat next to me. The seats next to me were usually empty. I was surprised you took it. It made me feel kinda cool. That sounds stupid now, but it's how I felt. I smiled a bit. _

_ "Oh, hello,' I whispered. "You're new here?" You nodded, still grinning._

_ "My names Gamzee," you offered. You seemed really excited. I wasn't so nervous about you anymore. You seemed really nice! _

_ "I..I'm Tavros!" I stuttered then. Well you know how I stutter when I'm nervous. Or happy. Or sad. Or anything. Ha ha! _

_"Tavros," you said. "That's a motherfucking cool name." I began to pick up on how you sure did like to say 'motherfucking' a lot. But I was okay with that because you did seem like you meant well. "Mind if I be your bro?" _

_ "B-b-bro?" Gamzee smiled._

_ "Friends. Buddies. Bros." I agreed. And that was how it all started, I guess. _

Gamzee did the math in his head. That was a bit over a year ago when they first met. Now it was winter again. Gamzee sighed. A lot had happened in a year. Gamzee looked down at the book. There was still plenty to read.


	3. Ice Cream

**_Hello! I'm the author! This is my first Sadstuck fanfiction and my second (published) Homestuck fanfiction! I'm really excited about this story ^W^ Thanks for reading!_**

**Chapter Three: Ice Cream **

_You and I ended up having a lot of classes together! Looking back, I kinda should have realized I was gay from the start, huh? I have to laugh at myself now! But when we were in gym I found myself looking at you. Ack, geez I feel embarrassed saying it now. But you peeled off your gym shirt and wandered over to me. _

_ "You're pretty good at that basketball shit," you said, patting my back. I blushed, glancing at you. I remember thinking how thin you looked. I could probably have counted your ribs, but I forced myself to look at the ground. _

_ "Thanks!" You asked if I played on a team and I said no. I said that I didn't really want to… sports aren't really my thing. You just nodded and grinned. _

_ "So lunch time next?" _

_ "Yeah!" I said, retying my shoes. It's always tricky tying my shoes. You offered my some "motherfucking help" and I was embarrassed so I declined and fnished tying my shoes. You started pushing my wheelchair._

_ "G-gamzee!" I cried. I was really surprised, ha ha! "What're you doing?" The first thing that came to my mind was you were going to slam me into a wall or something. I thought you were just going to be a bully. I was wrong, luckily. You smiled and continued to push me._

_ "This is kinda fun. I'm pushing your little wheelchair to lunch! Can I?" I paused._

_ "I.. I… ah… okay! Thanks, Gamzee!" We became friends pretty fast, huh? Kids were looking at us, and I was kind of embarrassed. Nobody had any idea who the heck you were! Ha ha! _

_ When we got to lunch I showed you where I normally sat. _

"You found it," Tavros said. Gamzee looked up.

"Oh…," he whispered. "Uh, yeah. Did you want me not to read it?" Tavros blushed.

"N-no. It's just kinda embarrassing. It's like a diary kinda! B-but I want you to read it! I mean that's why I wrote it and stuff. So you could read it." Gamzee grinned at the way Tavros rambles nervously to assure himself of what he's saying. Gamzee sat down next to Tavros and hugs as best as he can while Tavros lies do wn.

"Now you listen to me, Tavros Nitram," Gamzee said in his most serious voice. He smiles, but it's a sad, pathetic smile. A begging smile. He met Tavros' eyes. "You are gonna up and get all better okay. None of this dying stuff. I know you're not gonna motherfucking leave me." Tavros smiled.

"I'll do my absolute best!" He said. The cheeriness in his voice made Gamzee want to cry. He was so amazed at how he could hold on so well. Gamzee knew that he couldn't be as strong as Tavros. He sat on the edge of Tavros' bed.

"Your mom called," Gamzee said after a while. "She's gonna stay with you tonight." Tavros nodded.

"Alright!"

"And I'll be back first motherfucking thing in the morning," Gamzee said, squeezing Tavros' cold hand. Tavros wrapped his fingers around Gamzee's.

"I know you'll be," he said.

A nurse came in with Tavros' blood transfusion. Gamzee watched as Tavros got hooked up. Tavros thanked the nurse. Gamzee smiled. He still managed to be polite.

"You hungry? You should eat," Gamzee said, as the nurse left. Tavros nodded. "Enough of this hospital food crap. I'll go out and get you whatever the motherfuck you want, Tav."

"Aw, you don't have to Gamzee. I mean it's fine the food hear isn't bad."

"I'm getting you _whatever you want_," Gamzee insisted, standing up and getting his coat. "And I'll be back here before you can even miss me." Tavros considers.

"I want… ice cream."

"Ice cream? For lunch?" Tavros' blushes, then grins and nods. Gamzee laughs. "I'll get you a huge motherfucking sundae with cherries and fudge and all that shit." Tavros smiles.

"Thanks, Gamzee."

"No problem, Tavros."

True to his word, Gamzee came back with the biggest sundae that Friendly's had, piled high with whipped cream. Tavros grinned like a child and plunged his plastic spoon into his lunch. Gamzee ate his own ice cream lunch and went to open the book again.

_When we got to lunch I showed you where I normally sat. There was one boy there that I didn't really talk to much. I introduced you to Sollux and you waved and that was about all the talking you did with Sollux. _

"How far are you?" Tavros asked, his mouth filled with ice cream. He swallowed. "Could… you read it allowed so I know where you are?"

"Sure," Gamzee said. He was slightly embarrassed. He was a slow reader and didn't read with much emotion. Tavros' didn't seem to mind usually, so he cleared his throat, set down his finished paper bowl of ice cream and held the book in both hands.

_"Where did you come from?" I asked. You frowned._

_ "Eh, I used to live a little bit away from here with my parents. But they stuck me in a house here and stuff." I was surprised. Mostly with how you were so open to just tell me everything. I tried to smile. I wanted to be a good friend._

_ "Oh… I…" Well you know how I am with words. _

Gamzee smiled as he read this, and Tavros blushed at hearing his own words being read aloud.

_"Nah, it's cool," you said, sensing the sympathy I was about to give you. "I was a mess in that house. I was on drugs and shit and my parents were too. But now I'm on real meds instead of the shit you get off the street." I think you thought I might be afraid of you. Part of me was, but I still really liked you. I think I could just tell that you and I were meant to be friends. _

Gamzee smiled. "You write the sweetest things," he said. Tavros blushes. "When you get yourself out of here, you should write a book. You're really good at this. And with that crazy imagination of your you could really be something, Tav!" Tavros tries to deny it but Gamzee kisses his forehead. "You really are something motherfucking special, Tavros."He put the book down for the moment, and curled up next to Tavros on the bed, turning on the television. He stopped it on a channel that was playing Toy Story. Tavros watched it, leaning his head against Gamzee. They did this most afternoon now. There was usually a movie on and Tavros would cling to Gamzee, watching it. No matter if he saw the movie or not, or even if he really liked it, he would get completely engulfed in it.

Tavros was just a kid being forced to live in a grown-up world. Gamzee wanted to let him be a kid as much as possible. Because Gamzee liked being a kid too. He wanted to never grow up together with Tavros. He subconsciously hugged Tavros tighter.


	4. My First Friend!

**Chapter 4: My First Friend!**

That night, Gamzee sat cross-legged in his bed with Tavros' notebook. He stared at it blankly for a minute, thinking about his conversation with Mrs. Nitram before he left.

"I can't hold up the lawsuit."

"Why?" Gamzee asked. Mrs. Nitram sighed wearily.

"I don't have time, Gamzee. You know I want to see that son of a bitch get what he deserves but with work and Tavros I don't have time to meet with lawyers and stuff. Maybe once Tavros is out of the hospital." Gamzee nodded, but was upset. It wasn't fair. Some motherfucker will probably get to walk away from this? He knew that it wasn't necessarily their fault. Tavros had lost control of his wheelchair going down a particularly steep hill and it had veered out in the street. But if that motherfucker hadn't been going highway speed in a little suburban neighborhood he would have had all the time in the world to break for Tavros instead of hitting him with his truck!

They said it was a miracle that Tavros was alive. It didn't seem like much of a motherfucking miracle to Gamzee. With Tavros stuck in his bed, his bones snapped like toothpicks. What kind of _miracle _was that? Gamzee sighed.

Gamzee's older brother, Karkat, peered in. "You okay?"

"Fine," Gamzee said, his voice a bit more toxic then he meant it to be. "Just…," he trailed off. Karkat sighed sympathetically, then closed the door again. Gamzee turned his attention back to the notebook in his lap. He opened it up the the page he'd folded in at the hospital.

_I told Mom how that boy we met last night started going to my school. _

_ "Oh! The kind of odd one that got his coat stolen!"  
"Yeah," I said. "I think we're going to be friends!" Friends was not a word I really said. Me telling my mom about my "friends" was like me using the other "F-word" around my mom. It just didn't happen. I had a few friends online but I didn't even know their real names so they didn't really count. She smiled._

_ "That's good. Is he nice?" I nodded. "Well you'll have to introduce me sometime." _

_ It's kinda embarrassing, but I couldn't shut up about you, Gamzee! I told my mom just about everything that happened all day._

Gamzee smiled slightly to himself. The difference between Tavros' words and Tavros' thoughts was so slim that he could easily imagine Tavros saying everything that was written in the book. There was a space, as though Tavros was starting a new chapter.

_So we kept eating lunch together and going to class. I told you about how my dad had died of cancer. You were so nice. I told you about it and got all stuttery and I had to stop explaining it after a while. You reached over and gave me this big, choking hug. "I'm sorry 'bout that, Tavbro," you said, squeezing me like a stuffed animal. It made me blush. I started realizing that I had a crush on you, but I couldn't even admit that to myself yet, let alone you! I couldn't hug you back because I was so surprised. _

_ "Th-thanks," was all I could choke out. You smiled._

_ "My dad was a motherfucking bad guy. It's not fair that good people die and people like my dad just get to keep going. My mom was the same way. That's why I'm in the boys home now. When my bro, Karkat gets outta high school this year he's gonna get us a real apartment and all that shit but for now I live with a bunch of other boys."_

_ "Aw, I'm s-sorry," I said after some hesitation. You smiled._

_ "I'm not! Cause I met some really cool motherfuckers here. Well I met __one__ really cool motherfucker, anyway." You grinned at me. I went and got all tongue-tied and embarrassed again. Then I thought it was just because I didn't know how to talk to people but I should have known I liked you all along! Good thing you knew my feelings better than me! Ha ha! }:x_

The notebook gave Gamzee a strange feeling. It made him feel like Tavros _couldn't _die. This boy, shown by the words on the pages. He was so alive. The Tavros that was talking to him through the ink soaked pages was so energetic. Normal Tavros. How could he be dying? He couldn't be. The feeling was like a high. And Gamzee sure knew how highs ended. They got you in trouble and they got you on medication that made you see what the hell was really going on the in the world.

_One day, I think about a week and a half after you came to my school you were sitting at lunch with me like always. You looked pretty bored. "Hey, Tav, wanna hang out after school?" A big brick wall of thoughts hit me! I'd never been asked to hang out after school. I nodded._

_ "Well… lemme ask my mom," I said. I took out my phone. "W-what… I… what do you want to do?"_

_ "Whatever," you said cheerily. "Go for a walk or get a snack or whatever!" I grinned._

_ "Oh! Alright." Mom asked a million questions and after I promised to update her where we were she said I could go. I was pretty excited. _

_ So after school we were walking in the park. Well, you were walking. You insisted that you didn't mind pushing me so I let you. I ended up yawning after a minute._

_ "Damn, Tav," you said. "When you yawn like that you're as cute as a little teddy bear or something! Makes me wanna give you a big squeeze or something," you giggle. My face went red._

_ "I… I…," I gurgled. But you kept pushing me like nothing had happened. _

_ "Maybe going to the park in December wasn't such a hot idea," you laughed. "Let's go grab something to eat. I'll pay!"_

_ "N-no! I can pay for myself!" I said instantly._

_ "No way, Tav. Let me be a motherfucking gentleman today." I muttered submissively and you laughed again, and ruffled my hair with one hand as you continued to push me with the other. I didn't realize how unique it was that we bonded so quick. It was practically love at first sight, huh? _

"Love at first sight," Gamzee breathed. He sighed shakily. "I know I'm a motherfucking piece of shit," he said under his breath in a hasty prayer. "And I know I did some nasty shit as a kid. But I'm better now. I take my meds, and I help little old ladies cross streets." He swallowed the lump in his throat. "And you can up and punish me and I wouldn't even be upset," his voice cracked. "But not Tavros. That's not fair, man. That's not motherfucking fair to Tavros. Or… or Mrs. Nitram. Or all the people I know he's gonna help. So _please _if anyone up there is even motherfucking listening to a shithead like me anymore… _please _let Tavros have just one more miracle."

**This story makes me sad to write ;-;**

**I made Gamzee and Karkat brothers *shrug* :o) I think they make good bros. Thanks for reading and reviewing and favoriting and following and all that good stuff **


	5. Please Breathe

_ "Uh… uh… ooh that ice cream thingy!" I said, pointing. You nodded. Out of nowhere, you patted my head. I blushed and you turned back and ordered me a Frosty, and ordered yourself a burger. We sat down at a booth by the window and you slid the ice cream over to me. "O-oh, th-thanks a lot for paying for it! Are you sure you don't want the money for it? It's really not that big a deal I can pay for it if you want."_

_ "Aw, nah, don't," you said, shrugging. "You know, what Tav?" you added after a while. I finished my sip of chocolate Frosty. _

_ "Huh?"_

_ "You're really cool," you said. You put your chin on your hands and grinned at me. "You're my motherfucking best friend." I blushed. _

_ "W-well y… you're… you're my best friend too!" I smiled, and blushed furiously. _

_ When I got home I wandered over to Mom. She was scrubbing blackened food off the bottom of a pan. "Hey, Mom," I said quietly. She turned, and smiled._

_ "How's it going?" She asked. I shrugged. My face was probably red as a fire engine. She tilted her head. "Something bothering you, kiddo?" I shrugged again, staring at my feet. _

_ "I… I think I.. like…," I swallowed. "I think I… I like Gamzee… like in the really, really like kind of like. And… like… yeah," I trailed off. Mom put the dish down, and rinsed the soap off her hands. She smiled. _

_ "Well that's just fine, Tavros," she said with a grin. "What you've told me about Gamzee makes me think he's a very nice boy. You should invite him over some time." I frowned. _

_ "Well, y-yeah, okay. But… like… like, uh, what do I do? I mean about like, I don't know, liking him and stuff." Mom patted my back._

_ "Well you tell him," she said, "If that's what you want. Or you can just wait and see how things go." Yeah, right! Like I was going to tell you! I had a hard time saying __hello__ without blushing! _

_ "Thanks, Mom," I said quietly. She nodded. _

_ "Chin up, kiddo," she said, ruffling my hair. I smiled._

_ So I kept nice and quiet around you mostly because I had no idea how to tell you how I felt. And I was afraid you'd freak out and think I was a weirdo and leave me D:{ So we kept hanging out and one day you met my mom. I was kinda afraid she wouldn't like you but you both ended up surprising me._

Gamzee was interrupted by the sound of the phone ringing. It was nine at night. Oh, please. Oh, please, beg the Messiahs. Please no. No, no, no, no, no, _no. _He stares at the glowing screen of his cellphone. _Momma Nitram _it says, which is what he jokingly called her. Before all this crap happened. He shakily answers it.

"M-Mrs. N?"

"Hey, Gamzee," Mrs. Nitram said weakly. "The bleedings picked up. He can't sleep and he's asking for you. He's out of it. He's asking for you, when he's not asking for ice cream."

"Is… is he okay?" Mrs. Nitram is crying, Gamzee realizes.

"They're saying he's probably not going to make the night."

"I'll be right there," Gamzee rasps, and hangs up, and lunges for his coat. He has to get there. If Tavros wants some motherfucking fudge ripple before he dies, Gamzee's going to get it to him.

He sped down the streets, blowing through red lights. He didn't care, he didn't motherfucking care what anyone else in the world thought. He stopped at a convenience store, grabbed a pint of ice cream and carelessly through a twenty and the guy running the cash register before bolting out.

In the hospital, he weaved past people in wheelchair and nurses, crashing into a doctor. He didn't care, he didn't care about any of them. He sped into Tavros room. He was paler than before, which was way too pale. There were deep purple bags etching his eyes. "Gamzee!" He squeaked, his voice hardly a whisper. There wasn't even any medication going through his IVs anymore. They'd given up. They'd motherfucking given up.

Gamzee slid down next to Tavros, and held his hands. "Hey, Tavros! I… I brought you some ice cream!" He held it up for Tavros to see. Tavros grinned and reached for it. "Don't you worry, I'll feed you. Like you're a prince or somethin', huh?" Tavros laughed, somewhat quietly. Tavros mom held one of Tavros' hands while Gamzee held the other. He grabbed a plastic spoon from the growing collection of hospital silverware on Tavros' bedside table and fed a small spoonful of vanilla ice cream to Tavros. Tavros let it melt, too tired to chew, before swallowing it. Tavros smiled blankly at Gamzee. Gamzee swallowed a growing lump in his throat. "You… you up and get all better, alright Tavros?"

"Alright, Gamzee," Tavros sung, not really paying much attention to whatever he'd just asked. "Can I have some more?"

"R-right. Sure, little buddy." He gave Tavros another bite of ice cream. Tavros smiled at him again. Gamzee quietly fed Tavros ice cream for the next few minutes. The heart monitor started beeping. Tavros' heart was slowing down. He was hardly breathing. Gamzee let the ice cream drop to the floor and grabbed Tavros' shoulders.

"Tav! Tav! Breath, Tavros! Come on, deep breaths!" Tavros blinked at him. The monitor wailed. Mrs. Nitram pounded on the nurse button. "_Tavros please breath_! _Tavros!" _Gamzee squeezed Tavros shoulders, inches from his face. "Come on buddy, you gotta breath. Breath so we can go back to school and see our friends and so that you can grow up and be a teacher like you wanted to. And you can teach those little toddler how to spell and stuff. And then we can get a nice house, and live happily ever after. Breath, Tavros!"

"G-Ga-a-a… I… I…," Tavros started. Then he sighed and closed his eyes, and vanilla ice cream dribbled out of the corner of his mouth.

"_Tavros!" _

And just like that, he died.

**;-; this literally made me cry while i was writing it... next chapter up soon OAO**


	6. Memories and Medication

***floating around in shallow pool of own tears*** **LOOOOTS of feedback on the last chapter, and it was all pretty good ! Even if it happened in the past, happy things this chapter as far as Tavros' notebook. H-happy things now, plz ;A;**

Gamzee kept amazing composure while Tavros got wheeled away, out of the room. Out of sight, a symbol that he really was gone. Only Gamzee's sadistic, hateful Messiahs knew where Tavros was now. Gamzee did not cry a bit while he held Mrs. Nitram in his arms, and wished her a goodnight shakily, as though that was even a possibility. He drove all the way home. And then sat around at home for a bit, not letting any thoughts into his mind. He stared at his phone. The screen showed a picture of him and Tavros. Tavros was sticking out his tongue and Gamzee was sitting in his lap, in the wheelchair, taking the picture, making cross eyes. Gamzee threw the phone at the wall. The screen shattered.

_"MOTHERFUCK I'M SORRY_!" He howled suddenly. "_I'M SORRY FOR WHATEVER I DID TO GO AND PISS YOU OFF BUT THIS ISN'T FAIR_!" Karkat opened the door slowly, startled awake by Gamzee's screaming. Gamzee glared at him.

"Gamzee?"

_"LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE_!" Gamzee wailed. Karkat came in regardless. Gamzee stood up and shoved Karkat forcefully, so that Karkat stumbled back a bit.

"Gamzee," Karkat said. "Gamzee, come on. Talk to me."

"No," Gamzee choked, suddenly calmer. He paused, and slumped down on his bed. Karkat sat next to him. "He… he… died," he said, and started to bawl like a baby. Karkat rubbed his back.

"Here, you forgot your pills. It's fucking you up, I'm sure," Karkat said, offering him the small, pink pill. Gamzee hiccupped.

"I don't want it."

"Gamzee, come on. You know you have to."

"I… don't want it," he moaned. "What's the point?" His eyes fell on the notebook, sitting at the foot of his bed. He sighed, and took the medicine, swallowing it. He needed a clear mind long enough at least to finish reading it. Karkat watched him silently, holding him in a sideways hug. "I don't want to talk about it tonight,' he said. Karkat frowns.

"Alright. Watch yourself, kid," Karkat said. Once he's gone, Gamzee slowly picked up the book.

"Tavros…," he whispered, tears streaming down his face. He wiped them away with his sweat-shirt sleeve

_You waved to Mom. "Hello, ma'am. It's nice to see you again!" You stuck out your hand. She smiled and shook it._

_ "Hello, Gamzee. Tavros has told me a lot about you!" I gave her a pleading look that I hoped you didn't notice, blushing. I didn't want you to know you were basically all I could ever talk about anymore! She winked at me. I was practically dying. I was sure she was going to give me up! You gaped at my house._

_ "Wow," you said quietly. "This is way nicer than my house! It's all clean and shit." I laughed. I was pretty nervous. _

_ "You can come in," Mom said. You smiled and meandered in, your hands in your pockets. I stared at my feet._

_ "So, uh… what do you… what do y-you wanna do?" You grinned. _

_ "I don't care! Whatever you want," you said, looking around some more. _

_ "Uh… uh… we could play video games." You nodded. "Come on!" I said and smiled. _

_ We played racing games all night. And I beat you every time, ha ha! But you didn't care. Mom made us a frozen pizza for dinner. You grinned at me while you ate. _

_ "Uh… uh, something… wrong?" I asked. You smiled and shook your head. _

_ "I just think it's so cool. We've only known each other for a little while and I feel so motherfucking close to you. Like, I could tell you motherfucking anything and I could trust you." You grinned at me, and I felt my whole face flush. I smiled sheepishly._

_ "I… I feel the same way. It's like… I've never had a friend like you before." You put your pizza down on the plate. You smirked and stared at your feet. "G-gamzee?" You looked up and beamed._

_ "If it's okay with your mom, can we do this again? I like it hear," you said with a grin. _

Gamzee clenched his fists. He was so tired, but he couldn't sleep. He didn't want to sleep.

_It started being that you hung out with me most days after school. You started calling mom Momma Nitram which made everybody laugh. It was like you were part of our family practically! It was always fun. We played video games, and sometimes we played card games. Sometimes Mom would take us out to dinner. You were always really polite and insisted you paid your part. _

_ Mom really liked you. She kept encouraging me to tell you my feelings. But I couldn't do it! I was really nervous, and sometimes I tried and it just didn't work. It was always something like this:_

_ "H-hey."_

_ "Yeah?"  
"G-Gamzee?"_

_ "Yeah?" _

_ "You…,"_

_ "Huh?"  
"You wanna c-come over tomorrow?"_

_ One day, though, you did it for me. That was the best day ever. I remember it perfectly! Do you?_

"C-course I do," Gamzee whispered. Maybe Tavros could hear him, wherever he was now.

_It was the first time I came to your place. There were a lot of boys your age around. All of them were minding their own business for the most part. You wandered past them without a word. "My rooms this way." I wandered in back of you, falling behind. A couple boys gave me a questioning look. A boy stopped us._

_ "Hey, fucker, it was your turn to take out the trash yesterday but they made me do it since you were out." _

_ "Sorry, bro," you said. "Tavros, this is my big bro, Karkat. He's a year older than me."_

_ "Who the fuck's this?" Karkat demanded, narrowing his eyes at me. I swallowed. You grinned lazily._

_ "My motherfucking best friend!" You said as though it was obvious. Karkat nodded, still not smiling._

_ "You Tavros?" I nodded hastily. "Nice to meet you."_

_ "C'mon, Tav!" You said, and dragged me by the arm. You hand slid into mine. I blushed heavily, feeling your cold, calloused hand squeeze mine. You laughed your giggly laugh and winked at me. My face grew even hotter. You brought me into a small room. It was kinda empty, except for clothes that littered the floor and an unmade bed. You hastily threw some clothes into a hamper. "Sorry 'bout the mess." I shrugged. My attention turned to the walls. There were drawings taped there. Drawings of large dragons, with big fangs and carefully drawn scales. _

_ "You drew these?" I breathed. You shrugged." They're really good, Gamzee!" You shrugged._

_ "Sometimes I just do those when I can't think. I can sit and draw for hours and not have to think. It's nice." You flopped down on your bed. "Sorry, There's not really that much to do here. That's why I don't usually invite you over and shit, you know?" I shrugged._

_ "I d-don't mind! I… I got to meet your brother. Th-that was cool!" You shrugged, frowning slightly._

_ "Well sorry he's himself. You know. All unfriendly and shit." _

_ "H-he wasn't that unfriendly," I offered. You shrugged. _

_ "Huh," you said. "All I got to do around here is this old card game. It's kinda like that Pokemon shit but it's some rip-off of it. I don't know, Karkat had a lot of these when he was a kid and he motherfucking dumped them off on me." You looked at me. "I just never motherfucking has anyone to play with." _

_ 'W-well I'll play with you if you teach me! It sounds like fun!" We sat down on your bed, facing each other. I was kind of flopped down and wriggled like a confused fish into a sitting position. Halfway through you grabbed my waist and adjusted me, seeing the I was having trouble. I blushed._

_"You gotta learn to start asking people for help more, Tav," you said simply. I started to argue, but decided against it. You put the cards out and explained as well as you could. After a while we started playing. You were better than me and I kept messing up but you never sounded the least bit impatient. By the time it was time for me to be getting home, since it was dark, I was having tons of fun!_

_ "I'll walk you home," you said. You lifted me up, one hand under my knees and the other on my back and set me carefully into my chair. I couldn't look at you, so I stared at the floor with laser-like focus, trying to will my face to turn less red. _

_ It was still chilly, even though it was warming up now that March had just started. On the way home you draped your arms over the sides of my wheelchair, kind of just pushing me along with your torso as you walked. Your head was inches from mine._

_ "G-gamzee? Are you … are you," I swallowed, "alright?" You beamed at me. _

_ "I gotta tell you a motherfucking secret, Tavros," you said. You leaned so your lips practically touched my ear, which was burning hot from embarrassment. I remember that moment like it's frozen in time or something. You smelt kinda like your Faygo, and kinda like the mustiness of your home, and cheap laundry detergent. I liked that smell. Because it was your smell. _

_ "A… s-s-s-secret?" I said, my tongue cathing on the S. You nodded._

_ "I motherfucking love you, Tavros," you whispered. _

**This was the longest chapter so far! I know this stories making me sad about my favoritest pairing ever so I'm gonna start a SECOND, FLUFFY, Gamzee and Tavros story and post it soon. A Gamvros wedding, maybe? :D That way I have something so that I don't drown myself crying in this one! So look out for that one! I'll still work on this one, of course **


	7. First Dates, Last Wishes

_I had some sort of words on the tip of my tongue, but I ended up choking on them, it seemed, because I couldn't breathe, much less speak. You kept pushing me along the sidewalk easily, still in the same position, close to my face. I turned slightly so I was facing you. You smiled lazily, and spoke again. "Sorry, that was kinda supposed to stay a secret and all. But I can't help it anymore." I wriggled._

_ "I…," I started. I clenched my fists. "I really like you, too, Gamzee. I mean, love, I guess. I… I think I might… m-might… love you," I exhaled, my heart pounding, "Love you too, Gamzee." You smiled. and stopped pushing me, coming around and plopping down on your knees so you were at eye level with me._

_ "Really? That's motherfucking great!" You cried. I looked up at you sheepishly, sucking on my bottom lip nervously. _

_ "I…"_

_ You grinned. "That's really cool. I mean… wow!" _

_ "I… I wanted to tell you and stuff!" I started to babble. "B-but everytime I tried I got too nervous and I couldn't do it!" You stood up and hugged me, right in the middle of the sidewalk. _

_ "I'm glad I'm no motherfucking good at keeping a secret, then," you said. _

Gamzee looked at the clock. It was one in the morning. Karkat had probably gone back to bed. He was alone, except for the book, the little bit of Tavros that was still looming around with him. He hugged the book against his chest. He wasn't sure if he could keep reading it. He stood up, and looked out the window.

"I… _motherfuck_," he hissed, squinting so he didn't cry again. He meandered out into the kitchen, realizing he hadn't eaten since lunch with Tavros.

Lunch with Tavros. That felt like it was a year ago, the two of them eating sundaes together. There was a very distinct draw there. The separation between living Tavros and deceased Tavros which had just been formed. Gamzee pulled a soda out of the fridge and chugged it. He glanced at the table. Karkat's laptop was closed, with a small stack of bills on top of it. Gamzee's pill bottle sat in the center of the table. Gamzee picked it up with a glazed expression. _Take one tablet each evening. _Gamzee held it. How easy would it be to just swallow a month worth of pills. God knows what they would even do. Gamzee stared at the bottle. Heh, it didn't really matter what he did at this point anyway, did it?

Something possessed him to drop the bottle and wander back into his room. Maybe it was the notion of what Tavros would and wouldn't want him to do. He took his soda back to his room.

_"So now I gotta take you out on a motherfucking date or something," you said, as you dropped me off at my house. _

_ "W-well like what?" _

_ "Something really special. Something different than usual. Like… I don't know. What's something you want to do?" I smiled. _

_ "I don't care. I wanna just spend a day playing our card game at your place and stuff until it gets dark and then we can walk home!" You laughed._

_ "But that's exactly what we did today!" I nodded._

_ "And today was a really good day," I pointed out. _

_ "Well, I can't motherfucking argue with that, Tav," you said, shrugging. We turned down my street. "I'm supposed to get my license soon, you know." _

_ 'Yeah?" _

_ "Yeah. I didn't get it last year since I was busy with all that being an idiot shit, but this year I took all those classes and stuff. It'll be cool. If your mom let's me, I can take you anywhere you want!" You pushed me along towards my house._

_ "That'd be really c-cool!" I say. "I can't get my liscense. You know, with my legs and all. I laughed. "So it'd be really cool to have you push me around." You stopped outside my house._

_ "So, are we all up and dating now?" _

_ "I… I… Are we? I mean… like… I want to. Like a lot, but it's up to you and all so you know. I mean, if you want to… I can't-" You playfully hit the back of my head. _

_ "Of course I do, Tavros!" You hugged me again, and then pushed me up the ramp. "You have a good night! Tomorrow we'll have that date you were talking about, alright?' I smiled. _

_ "Alright, Gamzee." I went inside and Mom could instantly tell that I was excited about something._

_ "You had a good time at Gamzee's house, then?" She asked, taking my coat for me and hanging it up. _

_ "He asked me to date him!" I cried happily. Mom grinned and gave me a hug._

_ "Good for you, honey!" She started talking about how I should still make sure that you were being kind to me and all that but I hardly listened to her. I was really excited for tomorrow. Even if nothing changed. I was already thinking about what if you kissed me. But then I stopped myself because I was embarrassed. _

Gamzee turned the page. The next page was different. The words weren't as carefully written. And they didn't match the story.

_I stopped writing before and now I'm kind of sidetracked because they just gave me another blood transfusion. You're asleep again and I kind of want to wake you up but I'm not sure I should because you haven't been getting a lot of sleep. I'm crying right now and I'm really, really mad and I just wanna write this in case I don't get time to finish the rest of the story. _

_ I just wanted to vent. It makes me really upset that we haven't gotten to do all the things I wanted to do. I wanted to be able to graduate and go to college, and grow up with you and then maybe get married. Maybe someday we'd adopt a kid? I like to think about that. I think we'd make good parents, don't you? _

_ I wanted to be able to do simple things too. To take walks in the park with you again, and play games, and eat pizza on the couch, and get picked on by Karkat and go to school. _

_ I wanted to do big things. I wanted to see other countries, and get a job and all the stuff you're supposed to get to do in the next few years. Instead I'm going to die at seventeen years old as a virgin that's never done __anything__. _

_ And now the nurses give me symptathetic looks while they hook me up to a new bag of blood. _

_ I don't want to leave you Gamzee. I'm really, afraid, too. I don't want you to start doing drugs again like you did before you met me. And I don't want you to stop taking your medicine. And I want you to be able to go back to school, and then go to college. Maybe you'll get married and do good things one day? If I die, I really want you to stay the person I know you really are. Please? _

_ Alright, I'll go back to telling the story now, but please, please, please remember that if I die. If not, we can just have a good laugh about this later, but it's really important otherwise._

Gamzee stared at the page. He bit his lip. He had to, he decided, do what Tavros wanted him to do. He'd be good and take his pills and stay in school and get good grades. He'd become someone that could really help others, like Tavros wanted to be. Gamzee had talked before about trying to live off his art. Screw his art, he would become a fireman, or a teacher, or something Tavros would be really proud of. "I-it's going to be really hard their, little buddy," he whispered, "So cut me some slack, okay?"

He flopped down on his bed, now thoroughly exhausted. "Nobody ever," he said shakily, setting the book down on the floor next to him, "cuts me some slack."


	8. What's Real and What's Not?

"Hey. Hey, you alright?" Gamzee rolled over in bed, getting tangled in his sheets.

"Heh?" He muttered, and turned to face Karkat. He looked blankly at him.

"Someone's here to see you," Karkat said simply. Gamzee blinked at him, then looked at his alarm clock. Nine fifty. He'd fallen asleep earlier in the morning without meaning too.

"I... I don't wanna," he grumbled, burying himself in his blankets.

"It's Kanaya." Gamzee sighed loudly.

"Fine," he snapped. Karkat wandered over to the corner of the room where Gamzee's broken phone.

"You smashed this up really damn good," Karkat said quietly. Gamzee sniffed. "Ugh. I don't have money for a new one for a while."

"I don't need a new phone," Gamzee muttered. Kanaya wandered into the room, obviously wondering what had been taking so long. She wasn't wearing any makeup, which was a strange sight. She smiled at Gamzee weakly.

"I heard the news," she said quietly. Gamzee burrowed deeper into his bed as though it was a shell from reality. "I'm very sorry," her voice was shaky. Karkat left. Gamzee sighed and sat up, still in his clothes from yesterday.

"I... I don't know what to do, Kanaya," Gamzee said. "I... for a long time... Tav was my whole motherfucking life. And now I don't have him anymore." Kanaya sat down on the bed with Gamzee and gave him a hug. He sighed into her shoulder. "H-he wrote me this letter. And he asked me to stay the 'Real Gamzee.' But... but I've been thinking about that."

"Yes?"

"I feel like the _real _Gamzee was the person I was before I met him. Now I need medicine to be who I am. I feel like Tavros would have never liked the 'Real Gamzee', you know?" Kanaya continued to hug him and patted his back, then sat back up.

"The medicine only helps you Gamzee. It is not as though Tavros was not himself with the aid of his wheelchair. You need help to be the real you, and that is perfectly okay." Gamzee sighed. "Nobody wants to see you struggle with this, Gamzee. All of your friends are going to assist you in recovering from this."

Not Tavros. Tavros wasn't going to be here to help him. And that's who Gamzee needed help from. If anyone else had died, he could have turned to Tavros and some of the pain would have vanished instantly. Sitting here talking about it with Kanaya, things were only getting worse. Gamzee sniffed, and leaned over so his head was in his hands. "I still can't even believe it. It's like... it feels like he's just going away for a while. But he's not. I have to live the rest of my motherfucking life out without him. That... that wasn't supposed to be how it happened." Kanaya smiled weakly.

"I am very sorry, I wish there was some way that I could improve your mood," she said. "But it will take time, Gamzee. Things will become normal again." Gamzee sighed. He picked up the notebook.

"I...," Gamzee wanted to argue, but couldn't. He flopped back down on his bed.

"I will come back tonight with something for you to eat, alright? That way you and your brother can take the proper time to grieve." She gave him another hug. "We're all going to miss him," she said quietly, and Gamzee felt her tears on his shoulder. Gamzee stared blankly ahead. He was all dried up, it seemed, because he had managed not to cry all morning. All ten minutes he'd been up.

He instantly swept up the notebook. It was all he really wanted to do anymore, so h didn't know what he was going to do when he ran out of Tavros' writing. Well, he could think about that sitaution when it came.

_You came over early in the morning. In fact, I was still finishing up breakfast when you came over. I opened the door, and just like always you were standing there, thin and lanky, with a slight slouch and a big grin. But somehow. It's embarrassing to admit but I was thinking about how attractive you looked, and I forgot what I was doing. You sauntered in, with your hands in your pockets. "Good morning, Tav," you said with a smirk. "Let's make sure today's the best motherfucking day we've had yet, okay?" You seemed pretty excited. _

_"W-well I don't care what we d-do, like I said. S-so... so it's up to you," I said, holding the back of my neck as I pushed myself back and forth slightly. You smiled and scooped me up out of my chair. I tensed up, not wanting to fall, but you supported me easily. You grinned. "You're like a feather, Tav!" You gently gave me a sort of hug, then set me back into my wheelchair. "So are you ready to go?"_

_"Go where?" _

_"Well we'll just walk around 'til we figure it out. And if we don't, that's all cool too," you said, cracking your knuckles before gripping my wheelchair. "I could just up and carry you all around, if you want." I shook my head quickly._

_"I-I... you'd get tired! A-and... I'd prefer to have my chair with me," I burbled. You shrugged._

_"Ah, alright," you laughed. _

_It was a pretty normal day, but I had a great time. We ended up walking around the park, and then we went to your house because we got too cold and played cards until it was lunch time. Then you brought me out for pizza, and then we went back to my house. We flipped through channels until we were watching Tom and Jerry reruns because we couldn't find anything. You smiled and slunk closer to me, and put your arm over my shoulders. I glanced over at you, squirming slightly._

_"Did you have a good day?" You asked quietly. I smiled and nodded. "That's good. I hope we can always have good days like this"_

**kinda corny there, sorry guys. ;w; the amount of feedback is amazing! Thanks so much, all of my reviewers, followers, favoriters, and readers! Your support is greatly aprrecia**


	9. Flying

**Sorry for the slight delay! Thanks **

_The next few days at school, not much changed. You were still pushing me around everywhere, even when you didn't have my class, and I was thanking you as many times as I could. After school I started heading off. "Hey," you said. "Where you going?" I grinned._

_ "Oh, uh, I forgot to tell you. Remember how I told you about how I was an actor in the school play? Theater club starts back up for the end of the year play today. We're doing auditions for _Peter Pan! _I'm really excited since it's my favorite story! I mean… was my favorite story. You know, l-like, was, when I was a kid and stuff." I corrected myself, turning red. You grinned._

_ "I never got to reading that story." _

_ "What?" I cried. You shrugged._

_ "Well you know, my mom was up and working whenever she got the chance to, and my dad was out doing whatever the hell it was that motherfucker was always doing, and Karkat was just about as little as me so nobody ever really read us much." I frowned, feeling bad for bothering you about it. _

_ "Oh," I said. "W-well I… I'm going to find my old book and read it to you tomorrow!" You hugged me._

_ "Yeah, Tav? That'll be great!" You sounded more excited than I had expected, which made me laugh. _

_ "I'll see you after my audition, okay? I really wanna try and g-get the lead role this y-year. I hope M-Mr. Shane will give it to me even th-though I'm in a wheelchair." _

_ "Well, of course he would!" _

_ "W-well, you see… Peter Pan is supposed to __fly__, Gamzee. And I… I'm not really in any condition to fly."_

_ "That'll just make it motherfucking one of a kind! Good luck! I know you'll up and impress the shit out of them."_

Gamzee looked up, then set the notebook down, standing up slowly. He wandered over to his closet, then dug around the mountain of various clutter that had formed on the floor of it. Somewhere in the middle, he found a book. It was a children's book, with a bright blue cover. On the cover was a yellow circle- the moon. There was a silhouette of a flying boy on the cover. In big, slanted white letters on the bottom of the cover it read _Peter Pan_. Gamzee stared at it. It had been Tavros' copy of the book, and he had accidentally left it over the house when he read it to Gamzee. Gamzee wished he could've given it back. He felt guilty. Peter Pan was Tavros' favorite story. Stupid little things like this were going to bug him for a long time, little things he forgot to do before Tavros left. He flipped through the pages. Halfway through the story, on a scene where the green-clad boy was sashaying around a pirate ship, sword-fighting captain hook he found a folded up piece of paper. Slowly, he opened it.

It was a drawing, which appeared to have some parts of it drawn by him and some parts by Tavros. Gamzee had drawn Tavros, dressed as Peter Pan, flying through the air. Tavros had added an extended hand which reached out and held the hand of a more crudely drawn Gamzee. On the bottom he had written in his chicken scratch writing _Me AnD mY pEtEr pAn_

Before Gamzee knew what he was doing he had crumpled up the drawing and flung it away from himself, along with the book. The old book didn't react welling to being tossed, and a few of the pages fell out. Gamzee paused, then ran over to it.

"I'm sorry, Tavros," he said quietly. "I'll fix your book and I'll give it back, okay?" He carefully scooped up the book, and put the pages back. He'd have to tape it up later. He smoothed out the drawing, and tacked it up on his wall.

He set the book down on his nightstand and turned back to the notebook.

_The next day I found out that I was getting the part of Peter Pan! I was so excited to tell you; the first thing I did was text you and mom! You ended up meeting me at my house after mom drove me home, and we went out to dinner at Friendly's. You beamed from across the table at me. _

_ "I told you that you'd get it, Tavros." _

_ "You've never seen me act, though, Gamzee," I said shyly. _

_ "Well you gotta let me come to your show at the end of the year."_

_ "Of course! I mean, I'd really like you to come if you can!" _

_ "Well of course I can," you said, "I'll make sure I can!" _

_ Getting the part ended up being pretty cool. That's how I met Kanaya, who was the assistant director. I introduced you two the next day at lunch._

_ "This… this my friend from theater K-Kanaya," I said. "Kanaya this is… my…," I wasn't sure whether to say it but I went for it, "My boyfriend, Gamzee."_

_ "How's it going?" You said with a lazy wave. Kanaya waved back._

_ "Hello, Gamzee. It's very nice to meet you." I was sure it would be awkward since you to weren't all that similar but I was wrong. _

_ "So what's your job in your club?" you said. _

_ "Well, I am in charge of correcting errors, editing the script, and deciding upon sets and clothes. All the stuff besides the acting and the lighting, really." You seemed genuinely interested in what we were doing which I thought was really cool._

_ "So when's your play gonna be?" _

_ "At the beginning of June," I said. "So in three months." You grabbed my hand and squeezed it. _

_ "I can't wait!"_

_ So days went pretty fluid. I had drama practice twice a week and on almost every other day you stopped by or I came over to your place. One night, I realized you were watching me instead of the television. "Hey," you said after a while. "Tavros, you think I can kiss you now?"_

_ "Huh?" _

_ "I mean, only if you want to. I was just thinking how," you laughed slightly, "How it's been a few motherfucking weeks now and how much I'd like to." I stared, bug-eyed at you. "Or we could wait." _

_ "N-no, I-I'd really l-like that. To k-kiss. Yeah." I remember being so nervous that I couldn't move, I sat like an awkwardly slouched statue as you leaned over and gave me a quick kiss. I twitched slightly, but it was only because my mind was screaming, super excited about our first kiss. _

_ "Hey, how about one more time?" _

_ "You can kiss me… a-as many time as you want," I whispered shyly. _

_ And so you did, until Karkat walked by mumbling something about how nasty we were. I was embarrassed, and watched him leave. You shrugged. "Eh, he's just being motherfucking Karkat."_

_ Everything really was perfect then. I had learned how to make friends, I got my part, and I had you to come along for the whole ride with me. _


	10. Breaking

_**seriously, though, I'm not doing this cause I really , like, enjoy making people cry. If I wanted that i'd just go tell a bunch of kindergarteners santa's not real. It'd be much easier than all this writing stuff. I DO IT BECAUSE I WANT EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE SPECTRUM OF GAMZEE AND TAVROS FANFICTION TO BE OUT THERE FOR PEOPLE TO READ. O_O I WILL CREATE IT ALL**_

_The rest of the next few months passed by like a dream. Everything was simple and routine. We talked with Kanaya at school. We went out to eat on weekends. A couple times we went to movies. I brought over my Peter Pan book once I remembered I'd promised to read it to you. I curled up against you and read it to you. You glanced over at me. "You know you didn't motherfucking stammer? Only once." _

_I shrugged. "That's what people say when I act, too. When I forget about things around me, I don't stutter so much." _

_It was getting close to my play, and everyone was growing anxious. Then one day you didn't come over even though we had a movie date. I waited, wheeling back and forth around my room, tapping my fingers against the arm rests of my wheelchair. After an hour had passed I grabbed my phone and texted you. I figured you forgot. After twenty minutes with no reply, I called your phone. _

_"Hello?" It was Karkat, which surprised me._

_"K-Karkat? Where's... where's Gamzee?" Karkat sighed. _

_"He's here. It's kinda complicated. One of the douchebags over here accidentally spilled Gamzee's meds all over the place and we have to jump through hurdles to get a refill this early. He hasn't been able to take it for three days and it's fucking him up."_

_Your voice rang out from behind him. "WHO THE MOTHERFUCKING HELL IS THAT? WHY ARE YOU ON MY MOTHERFUCKING PHONE, KARKAT. GIVE IT TOO ME. RIGHT NOW." Karkat sighed. _

_"I don't know if you wanna deal with his shit right now. Trust me, nothing he says right now means anything. He's just... he gets messed up without his medicine."_

_"I... I'll talk to him."_

_"Alright. Just don't feel pressured to stay on the line with him if he starts ranting."_

_"IS THAT MOTHERFUCKING TAVROS? GOD DAMN IT, KARKAT I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU TELL HIM ANYTHING. I'LL DO IT MY MOTHERFUCKING SELF. GIVE ME THAT PHONE. I SWEAR TO THE MESSIAHS KARKAT IF YOU DON'T-," _

_"Here's your phone," Karkat said emotionlessly._

_"Hello, Tavros," you said, no longer yelling. Your voice was emotionless. I swallowed and took a breath._

_"Hey, Gamzee. How's it going?" _

_"How's it going?" You laughed. "HOWS IT MOTHERFUCKING GOING? LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW, TAVROS. WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT." _

_"I'm sorry... s-sorry... I just," I swallowed, "Just wanted to make... make... make sure y-you're alright." _

_"Oh," you said. "Yeah I'm motherfucking great. Without my meds. Faced with hating myself, hating every single MOTHERFUCKING THING THAT EXISTS. DON'T GIVE ME YOUR SHIT, TAVROS." _

_"I'm being honest," I said, swallowing._

_"Tavros," you said. I clenched my phone tighter. "You wanna know something?"_

_"Wh-what... Gamzee? What?" _

_"You don't even know me, Tavros. Do you love me right now? DO YOU MOTHERFUCKING LOVE CRAZY GAMZEE?" There was a pause. "Of course you don't. You like the Gamzee that they sculpted for society. YOU MOTHERFUCKING SHALLOW SON OF A BITCH." _

_"G-G-Gamzee! I never said that! Of course I love you! I know you're a good person and-," _

_"'I know you're a good person.' Do you? Do you really think I'm a good person, Tavros? GO MOTHERFUCKING DIE, TAVROS. ALL OF YOU FUCKING PEOPLE THAT PRETEND TO CARE. YOU CAN'T WAIT UNTIL I'M MOTHERFUCKING SEDATED ON MY HAPPY PILLS, RIGHT?"_

_"G...,"_

_"I used to have a lot of fun, when nobody gave a shit," you continued. "I did drugs, went where I want, did what I want. Now suddenly Karkat cares. And you. I DON'T MOTHERFUCKING NEED EITHER OF YOU BRINGING ME DOWN. GO DIE, TAVROS."_

_"Gamzee-"_

_"GO. DIE." You repeated, and hung up. I stared blankly at my phone for a moment, then hung it up. I didn't know what to do, but I didn't think you'd want me to call you back. I was scared. I didn't want to tell Mom because I didn't want her to think you were a bad person. I thought about what Karkat said about how you needed your medicine. I wondered what made you act like this but I really believed that it wasn't the real you. If something was broken in your brain, I reasoned, then if medicine fixed it, then it helped you to be Gamzee. I was a bit upset, really. I wondered if you genuinely thought I didn't care about you or that the fact that I worried about you annoyed you. _

_I couldn't sleep. By the time it was morning, my eyes were red and hardly able to stay open. I trudged to school. You weren't there, which worried me. I forced myself to manage through the day – though I didn't really get much done. I went to your house after school. Karkat greeted me._

_"He's on his pills now. It took him a while to get them into his system and now he's just kinda fucked up. I don't know, something with his brain chemistry working itself back to normal or some shit. You can see him if you want." I nodded, and wandered into your room._

_"Gamzee?" I said. You were buried in your bedsheets, staring out the window next to your bed, facing away from me. "Hey, Gamzee it's me."_

_"I'm sorry I yelled at you, Tavros," you said instantly. I sat down on the edge of your bed._

_"That's okay," I said. _

_'But it's really not," you muttered, scooting away from me. I frowned. "See how fragile I am? Just a few days without that medicine and I break, Tavros. I don't want to break Tavros, and I don't want to hurt you when I do." _

_"You won't. I'll look out for you and-,"_

_"You can't promise that," you said through gritted teeth. I frowned, feeling worried about you. I reached out and grabbed your hand._

_"I... I was gonna give you this yesterday. The play's tomorrow. I really, really, hope you come. I-I... don't know i-if I c-can do it... if you're not there." I placed the small blue ticket in your hand. _

_"I dunno, Tav, I...,"_

_"I need you," I snapped, growing upset. "I... I really need you, Gamzee. Will you come?" You turned around to face me, and we locked eyes for a long while._

_"Just give me one more day to get myself all up and ready. I'll be there tomorrow night. I promise." _


	11. Stage Fright

**I had a hard time on this chapter for some reason. I wrote like 3 drafts prior to this one.**

**My idol can sum this feeling up for me: ****_I love deadlines. I love the sound of them whooshing past. –Douglas Adams_**

_In nervous annoyance I tossed my phone to the side and fidgeted with my hat, checking my costume for the millionth time. I had sent you a text an hour ago, and tried calling you five minutes ago, but I still had no response. My own "aRE YOU COMING,,,?" was still the newest message on the screen. I bit my bottom lip, staring blankly at my reflection, making sure my hat was just the right amount of lopsided. I needed you to come. I needed you to come because I felt like it would tell me that you still loved me. I knew that Karkat had promised you didn't mean anything you said without your medication, but I was still scared. _

_ "Tavros, are you ready?"_

_ "Yes," I lied. I tried to watch out the window on the way to the play, but my eyes kept flitting back to my phone, which I was draining the battery on simply by turning it on every other second to check. The car pulled up to the school before I knew it. I looked up from my phone which I had been typing gibberish into for an unknown amount of time. Mom dropped me off then went to go park. I looked around, as though I would find you. I knew I probably wouldn't by the stage entrance, so sighed in defeat and trudged inside. _

_ "Hey, Tavros!" The girl that played Wendy called. We didn't talk much, and when we did she usually got distracted and ran off with one of her friends. And when we did talk, I didn't get much more than a word in before something I said reminded her of one of her three pet cats. She was nice enough, though. When I get out I'll make sure I'll spend more time with my acquaintances so I can come out of my shell a bit }:) _

_ "Tavros, come here and get a microphone." I wandered over to Kanaya, who helped me clip the small microphone to my green shirt collar. "Are you alright, Tavros?" _

_ "Just a l-little bit nervous. But I'll be fine." _

_ "I do not doubt you will be. You have not disappointed at all so far." Kanaya smiled warmly. I smiled back, though mine was forced. The time before the show went a lot like the car ride; eyes on phone, spacing out, eyes on phone, spacing out, repeat, repeat, etc. _

_ "Five minutes until curtain!" Mr. Shane called. I wrung my hands. I took a deep breath, then sighed it out slowly._

_ "W-when you get on s-stage," I said to myself, "Y-you're not… not Tavros, because you're, uh, you're Peter Pan. S-so you c-can't worry about Gamzee 'cause… P-peter Pan wouldn't d-do that." _

_ Taking a deep breath I listened as Kanaya introduced the play, repeating my little "You are Peter" mantra in my head. _

_ On stage I worked hard to make sure I conveyed the right emotion and made the right movements. The spotlights were blinding; I couldn't see out in the audience even if I didn't have my eyes always set somewhere on stage. The play went as planned, though under the circumstances I had never been so happy to see it end before. We lined up and bowed, then went behind stage. I quickly congratulated Kanaya and the Wendy (her name is Nepeta) and a few other cast members, then ran off to the lobby where mom, and hopefull you, would be waiting. _

_ "Tavros!" Mom cried. "That was spectacular!" I smiled as she leaned over and hugged my neck. _

_ "Thanks, Mom." I waited until she was done hugging me. "Have you seen Gamzee?" She shook her head. "I'm going to go find him." If you were there. I wove through groups of people reuniting and congratulating and accepting praise. I was growing increasingly upset._

_ "Tav!" I craned my neck to try and look behind me, but before I could even start to push the wheel to turn around you had flung yourself into my lap. My chair wheeled backwards a bit but you didn't notice, throwing your arms around my neck. "Tav! Wow! Motherfucking amazing, bro! You didn't tell me you could act like that!" I grinned and hugged you. _

_ "I didn't know if you were coming, c-cause you didn't answer your phone or anything." _

_ "It was broken, sorry," you said. "But I promised, remember!" _

_ "Yeah."_

_ "I wouldn't break a promise to you, okay?" I smiled._

_ "Alright."_

.


	12. Dreams

Gamzee never understood what the big deal was with nightmares. If you woke up from a nightmare, you were instantly happy to be awake. Good dreams were pretty cool, too. But the really, really great dreams, the ones where things are perfect- those are the worst. Because then you wake up and _then _you're having a nightmare.

It was a simple enough dream. But it had Tavros in it. That was enough right there. Gamzee lay on his stomach, his head burrowed into his pillow. "Are you up? Hurry your ass up." Oh, right. Karkat.

Karkat had insisted that he go back to school after a week. Lately he hadn't been doing much but laying around in bed, sometimes staring at the dog-eared pages of Tavros' copy of Peter Pan, without really reading them. He'd ended up, though, giving it back to Tavros. Well, sort of. He'd asked Mrs. Nitram if he could put it in Tavros' casket.

Tavros' casket. There were a lot of unpleasant memories that Gamzee had but the very, very worst was at Tavros' funeral where he saw Tavros for the last time. He was a mess, tears streaming down his cheeks. "H-here, Tav," he had managed to choke out, tucking the book at Tavros' side. "Sorry it took me so long to get that back to you."

Since he gave the book back to Tavros he didn't have much to do. One day he went to Tavros' grave and gave him some flowers. The grave was practically buried in flowers. He wanted to say something, but he didn't know what to say, and couldn't stay long before he wanted to leave and lock himself back up again.

He felt like he was that girl in the blue dress, Wendy at it was time for him to grow the fuck up.

He didn't have to grow up with Tavros. He'd always loved that. He could be as childish as he wanted because Tav was the same way. They could be all up and serious one minute, then be sniggering over a fart joke the next one. It was fun.

It was a really, really great dream.

Gamzee hadn't had the heart to read Tavros' book for the past few days. Sometimes he read a paragraph or two, but it didn't register. He stared at it now. It sat on his night stand, on top of his newly bought copy of a _Peter Pan _picture book. He wasn't quite sure why he got it, but it made him feel a little bit better to have around. He frowned at the composition book, his name scratched in big letters on the little white box on the front. He hoped that Tavros wouldn't be upset that he wasn't reading it yet. He whispered a quick apology to Tav and got dressed for school.

Gamzee silently shut himself in Karkat's car. Normally he walked to school, but he didn't feel like walking the half mile to get there. There was really no incentive now to get to school, was there? "If you're having too much of a shitty time, call me." Gamzee glared at him, then took his phone out of his pocket and called Karkat without a word. "Oh for fuck's sake, Gamzee. I'm doing this for your own good. I don't want you to go and turn into your old self. You and me, we're behaving pretty well lately. I don't want you to accidentally fuck it all up for yourself." Gamzee frowned, then hung up his phone and slipped it into his pocket.

At school he got pitying look. Some random girls hugged him. He stared at them blankly. _Motherfucking stop that. _He didn't want pity, but he let everyone pat him on the back and tell them how sorry they were that his best friend had died. Yeah, whatever. They'd all forget about it in ten decided he would force himself through the day to satisfy Karkat, so he kept his mind empty and did his work. He mechanically answer ed all of the inquiries about his wellbeing with "Fine" that obviously suggested that he was not at all fine.

Kanaya and him were quiet at lunch. After a while he felt like crying, so he excused himself and sat on the floor of the bathroom until lunch was over. Overall, the entire day was hell.

When he got home he sat down on his bed. He stared at the wall, which had a few drawings of various things (mostly dragons.) Pinned over the other drawings was his picture of him and Tav. He flopped around and picked up the battered composition book. For a long, long stretch of time he stared at the cover, then opened the book and stared at Tavros' handwriting. He smiled slightly about the way Tavros painstakingly added his own stuttering and faltering, as if he was trying to retell everything exactly as it had happened. After a while, Gamzee opened to the page where he left off.

_ My favorite day we ever had was the day after school ended. I had just woken up and was staring groggily at the alarm clock, trying to decide whether or not I should sleep in or not. There was a knock at the door. Mom had gone to work, so I got into my wheelchair and went to go answer it. _

_ "Hey, Tav! It's the first day of summer vacation!" You reminded me. I smiled and nodded. "Hey, look what Karkat's lending me today." You took your keychain out of your pocket and pushed a button. Outside, Karkat's grey Toyota honked twice. _

_ "H…his car?" You nodded excitedly._

_ "He has the day off and I've been bugging him for a while since I got my license months ago and haven't gotten to use it. So then he said," here you put on your very best Karkat face and said what came next in a surprisingly accurate impression of Karkat's voice "'God damnit, Gamzee I'll let you have the day with my car if you will shut the fuck up about it. God.' And so now I have the car for the day! We can do anything you motherfucking want! _

_ "That's really cool!" I said. "I'll go get ch-changed." _

_ Karkat's car, of course, was nothing to behold. It was an old, pre-owned sedan that smelt like old fast food and old cloth seats and general old (haha.) It was loud when it started up but I was pretty excited. "So where do you wanna go, little buddy?" I thought about it._

_ "Wh-what if we just go wherever we decide to? We can m-make up our day along the way. I mean… unless you have a better place in mind." You grinned. _

_ "I had no ideas anyway. I like that one." You twisted the key in the ignition. "Let's see where we end up!" _

_ So we did. First we went to breakfast at a diner in the center of town. You tried to pay for my breakfast but I argued that you always paid, and after a while of back-and-forth arguing I finally paid the bill. _

_ Next we drove around for a long time, on and off highways. "Do you have any idea where we are?" I asked. You shook your head, and we both grinned. We went into a movie. It was a really, really boring movie, so once it was over we laughed._

_ After the movie we ended up kissing in Karkat's car, which always makes me laugh because if he knew that, he'd probably freak out and yell about what the proper use of his car was, that not being it. Then we both realized we were hungry and ate. You remember it all, right? It was my favorite day because we just got to be us for hours and hours on end without school or anybody else to worry about. Maybe when I get out Karkat will let you borrow his car and we can go somewhere. _

Gamzee hated when Tavros said _when I get out_ in the book. He'd done it before, too. He knew that Tavros probably was trying to convince himself when he was writing it that he would get out. But now it hurt. Now that there was no _when I get out_.

_ Time to wake up from your happy dream, Wendy._


	13. Thanks

**This is later than I wanted it to be but there were so. many. drafts. I wanted this chapter to be perfect.**

**Alright before I get, like, flamed, or something:  
Tavros was never supposed to finish the book. As in, this isn't just me being lazy. I think at this point it'd be a little redundant to have Tavros just go on and on about their dates, anyway.**

**After this chapter there will probably be one or two more and an alternate ending.**

Gamzee didn't know why he was so surprised by the next page. It wasn't as though he should have been that shocked. Tavros had been dying after all.

_I'm really sick today. It hurts to breath, and it feels like my lungs are broken. I can't really talk. It's late now, like usual when I write this. I can't sleep and stuff. I don't know if I have a lot of time. I really wanted to finish writing this._

_Ha._

_We never got to finish writing this, did we? _

Gamzee stared blankly at the entry. After staring for a while, he shakily turned the page. He couldn't really cry anymore. He was like a robot, who'd been programmed to finish the book.

_I feel a little better today, so I'll keep writing. I think I'm going to die. Like, I'm really, really starting to think I'm not going to live through this. I wanted to think everything was going to be really happy, you know? Aw, jeez I'm crying. So sorry if the ink is smudged._

__Gamzee touched the splotches where Tavros' tears had fallen quietly.

_So I'll just try to wrap this up. Even if I do keep going, I don't know if I can write this anymore. At first it was really nice to write this all down. Now it makes me sad, and I just want to be done. I want to think about the future, and not the past that I don't have. Thinking about it, I've really just got a present._

"Tav…"

_God, I only had a year to write about. I don't even have enough time to write about the one year we got._

Gamzee bit his lip. Maybe he could cry a little more.

_It's a pretty good end note, this year._

Gamzee stifled a sniffle and rubbed his eyes with his forearm, coating his sweatshirt with his poorly-done makeup.

_I love you Gamzee. I love your smile, and your laugh, and your attitude. I love to kiss you, and to be near you. And I like to talk to you. I like being your boyfriend, I like being your best friend. I like that you're usually on my mind. I like that you always surprise me. I like every single thing about you. _

Gamzee had to blink a few times to clear the tears out of his eyes. The words were getting too hard to read. Once his vision cleared he kept going.

_I don't care what anyone else in the whole word has ever told you. Doctors, or your parents, or even Karkat, or people that don't know you, or anybody. You're just who you're supposed to be and stuff, and that's perfect. Even if you're not perfect, you're just right._

_I'm mad. I'm mad that I have to die. I don't want to have to leave you. And I'm really scared for you. I don't know if you're going to do something crazy when I die. I know I said it. Please don't. Stay just right. _

_Mom told me you're upset cause you were sick the day I went home myself. The day I got hit. _

He shouldn't have let him walk alone. Not in the snow. Not ever. Tavros shouldn't have ever, ever had to walk alone.

_It's not your fault. If you blame yourself, I'll be more upset than if you didn't. It's nobody's fault I got hit._

Gamzee shakily turned the page, which was scrawled out in less careful handwriting.

_The only thing I want is for you and everyone else to just keep going, if I have to die. Well, that's not true. I really want to be able to see you again some day. I won't ever, ever, ever forget about you. And you'll always be my best friend, and the person I love. _

_Take care of mom for me, okay?_

_I love you Gamzee._

_Bye-bye, I guess? See you later, I hope._

Gamzee stared. That can't be it. No. That can't be it. "No, damnit." It was like losing him all over again. All motherfucking over again. He turned the pages one by one. About halfway through the empty pages there was a half-finished picture of Tavros in a Peter Pan hat, holding Gamzee's hand. Just like the one they'd drawn before.

_p.s: aND THANKS FOR HELPING ME FLY._


	14. I'lL fInIsH tHe StOrY fOr Us

**Thanks for the great run, guys. I hope this ending is good.**

"Hey, bro, you going to miss me?" Gamzee asked, smirking as he pushed the last box into the truck. Karkat rolled his eyes.

"Hell no. I can finally stop paying for your ass." Gamzee and him both laughed. "Now go and get your ass to work. alright? I'll get this stuff over to your apartment."

"Thanks, bro." Karkat nodded. Gamzee climbed into his car. He adjusted the mirror. He paused, then took out his wallet. In it was the picture of him and Tavros where they both were making stupid faces, being generally stupid. He smiled softly.

"Hey, I did, Tav," he said. "You proud of me?" He smiled, then slipped the wallet into his pocket. "Wish me luck, okay? I'm gonna up and channel my inner Tavbro today."

He was a little nervous, but he felt like he could do it. He'd been practicing the whole not swearing thing, and he'd gotten pretty decent at being able to remember when was a good time to drop the m-f bomb and when was not. He backed up out of Karkat's driveway and down the road.

His phone rang. He put it on speaker as he drove. "Hello, Gamzee," Kanaya said. "I heard you are starting your job today. I wanted to wish you luck."

"Thanks, sis," he said.

"You are very welcome." There was a pause.

"Hey, Kanaya."

"Yes?"

"You think I'm doing a good job?"

"A good job?"

"You know what with being the 'Good Gamzee' for Tavros and stuff."

"I believe you are. I believe Tavros would be very, very happy to see you today." Gamzee grinned.

"Thanks."

"Of course. Have a good day."

"Thanks, Kanaya."

Gamzee pulled up at the building. It was tall. Lots of kids were being dropped off by their parents. Gamzee checked his face in his rearview mirror. Makeup free for the job, with relatively-neat hair. He stood up and wandered into the building.

He wandered down the hall and smiled at the little kids that darted around to their classes, laughing and chasing each other around, getting into silly arguments, playing pretend. He checked the sign on the classroom door in front of him, nodded and walked in.

"Oh, hello!" The woman in front of the class smiled at him. "This is your new student teacher, Mr. Makara! He'll be here for the rest of the year." A few kids waved at him. He smiled, feeling cheered by their smiles. He could see now why Tavros had wanted to do this.

"Hey, everybody," he said. "How're you all?"

"Good," they responded.

"That's good! Now, I hope we can all be friends, alright?" Gamzee had thought it would be hard talking to them. But it was kinda like talking to Tavros. They nodded. "Now what're we doing?"

"It's story time!" A little girl piped up. Gamzee smiled.

"Aw, yeah? I love stories."

"Would you like to read us one, Mr. Makara?" The teacher asked. Gamzee smiled.

"Hmm, I don't know. What if we all worked together to tell a story?" The kids nodded eagerly. "Do you all know the story of a boy named Peter Pan?"

Later on, Gamzee stretched out on his mattress, which lay on the floor of his new apartment, his phone up to his ear. "I think I'm gonna like this whole teaching thing," he said to Karkat.

"Yeah, just take care of yourself. I'm not there to remind you to fucking breath." Gamzee laughed.

"I got this, Karkat. I'm so excited."

"Yeah, well whatever. I'm glad you're almost done with school. Out of my fucking house."

"Heh."

"I'm proud of you, Gamzee. You did good." Gamzee smiled.

"Thanks, Karkat. I'm really glad I didn't give up."

"So are the rest of us. Alright, I'm going to bed. I'm fucking exhausted." Gamzee knew that Karkat didn't want to sit around getting all sappy on the phone, so let him go. He set the phone down and started to unpack his boxes.

At the bottom of his clothing box was a composition book. He held it up, then tucked it into a sweatshirt and into his dresser. He always took as much care as he could of the book. Whenever he needed a little Tavros, he read the book. He wished Tavros had written down everything. Ever little detail. But he could sit and write the parts Tavros missed in his head. He still missed Tavros a lot, but in four years, he'd been able to get a better handle on the loss.

That wasn't to say he'd ever give up on Tavros. He'd love him forever. Maybe someday Gamzee would be willing to love someone else, but at the moment, he had no interest. He doubted he'd ever be over Tavros enough to try and love someone else. He didn't want to. He wanted to wait until he could see Tav again. He was confident if he tried really hard to be his best then he had a chance of meeting up with Tavros wherever it was the good people went.

Gamzee smiled at the twin pictures of Tavros as Peter Pan and him that hung on his wall. "I hope that you're flying wherever you are, little buddy."


	15. BONUS Alternate Ending

**Alright, so as a gift to you all have this pretty crappy alternate ending. It's happier but pretty forced, in my opinion. **

_Bye-bye I guess. See you soon, I hope. _

Gamzee stared at the words, reading them over and over. He turned the page. It was blank. No. That's not it, is it? "No, damnit." He came across a page halfway through the empty ones that had something written on it.

_Gamzee? _

He didn't just read the words. He _heard _them. He turned the next page without thinking.

_Gamzee! Are you awake? _

He blinked. "Tavros?" he asked, dumbfounded. He turned the next page.

_Karkat! Karkat, wake up! He's moving!_

Growing more confused, he turned the next page.

_What? Fuck, Gamzee c'mon buddy, wake up! You hear us? _

Gamzee blinked. What was happening? Why could he hear them? He dropped the book. His room was black, and fuzzy looking. He frowned, and spun around, his breath catching. "Tavros?" He cried out, growing nervous. _He's dead, what're you doing? You need your medicine. Go get Karkat. Get your medicine. _He had _taken _his medicine though, hadn't he? Wait, had he?

He could remember much of the whole day. Actually, he couldn't remember much of time passing at all. How long had he been in the room reading? It couldn't have been that long, but it was already night. Why hadn't Karkat told him to go to school?

And then he woke up.

"Gamzee!" He felt someone hugging him.

"God, Tavros, give him a minute. You're gonna send him into a second coma. And this fucking room is getting expensive." The arms came off his neck.

"Sorry."

Gamzee glanced around. He was in a white room. A hospital room. Aw, shit, what had happened? He remember the blackening room. Was this a mental ward? His eyes fell on the two people standing at his bedside.

The first was a tall boy, obviously trying not to smile. Karkat. Gamzee blinked. "Heh?" He turned. The next boy stood next to the bedside, rocking on his toes. "Tavros?"

"You're awake!"

"Heh?"

"You don't remember?"

"Remember what?"

"Getting hit by that car, retard."

"What?" Karkat rolled his eyes.

"Ugh, you're gonna make me explain this all? Remember you and Tavros were walking home, and then his wheelchair went out into the street."

"Yeah…," Gamzee said slowly. "Oh. Oh, that's right. And then… and then there was the truck."

"Truck?" Karkat snorted. "More like a sedan. And then you had to play the hero and try and run out and grab Tavros out of the way." Gamzee blinked.

"I thought you were dead," he said to Tavros. "I had this really long dream. And you were dead, and… it was really," he trailed off, "It was motherfucking awful." Tavros smiled.

"I'm not dead… o-obviously! See?" He wiggled his fingers around, as if that further proved it. "You were in a coma. Sometimes you said stuff, and you seemed pretty upset." Tavros sat down on his bed. "I was worried about you."

"Tav… your legs."

"You... uh, you like them?" Tavros rolled up his jeans to reveal metal where his legs had been. "Mom said I should get them, so we ended up using some of my college money to cover them." Gamzee was in a confused euphoria. He grabbed Tavros and hugged him as tightly as he could.

"Aw, Tav," he said. "This is so great. This is the best motherfucking miracle I've ever gotten. I'm so glad you're all up and alright." Tavros hugged him.

"I'm glad you woke up."

Nightmares are so much better than good dreams. Because then you wake up, and you're living the good dream.


End file.
